He walked, walks with me!!

oh my, You have been with me Abba You have held me, lifted me up You have provided family beyond my imagination You have allowed this cancer in me and i pray You will be glorified by my life i thank You for the strength and courage that has only come from You. i cannot walk this path alone i felt for a large part of my life that i would walk alone but now i see i have never been alone even in my chosen times of isolation You are with me. You have gifted me with brothers and sisters, people who don't follow the rules of dysfunctional families like i had they tell me talk ...all i need to for they will listen feel...let my healing from frozen emotions happen rock the boat!! ask questions..ask for help experience pain ...for it is the path to Blessing let joy in and out i am blessed, Papa i am grateful i am walking forward .. one more step off the log in the picture and into the adventure You have planned for me.

He is my Shepherd
He holds me close
when i am scared
when i am feeling lost.

He is my Shepherd
born in a stable
raised in humble circumstances
yet He is my King.




He may let me stray
when my humaness comes out
but He will come after me
and gently lead me back.

no God?

I am broken
I am alone
I am hurting
I am in a no reception zone

I am angry
I am lost
I am bitter
My life has no cost

I am hopeless
I am bound
I am worthless
I am unsound

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

I am exploding
I am dead
I am imploding
It’s all in my head

I am prideful
I am unteachable
I know what is best
I am unreachable

I am hateful
I am in pain
I am resentful
My life is in vain

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

I am clinging to myself
I am desperate
I want to be alone
I want to be separate

I don’t want to hear
I don’t want to see
I want to believe
No one cares for me

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

I am empty
I am null
All my senses
Feel dull

I don’t belong
I don’t even care
I don’t have friends
With whom I can share

They are all perfect
No problems, do they lie?
I hate the pity for me
I see within their eyes.

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

Silence, the noise
I hate both of them
One is nothing
The other condemns

You are worthless
You belong dead
You are not worth life
The voices scream in my head

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

What??
You care about me?
You want to take my burdens?
You want me to be free?

At this so called God
I shake my fist
If He cared, really cared
I might have taken a risk

My heart betrays me
I can hear it seek Him
Give it up
Go out on the limb

Remember when
As a very young kid
You took a risk
And you opened the lid

Of the box
You were lost in
And He said He loved you
And you caught yourself smiling?

Jesus love me
This I know
For the Bible
Tells me so

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

I can’t
I just can’t trust you
But God?
But God??

deep breath
inside shaking
what is happening?
what change are You making?

with eyes wide open
i search and see
that You, My God
have always been with me


I am broken
But I am NOT alone
Something has changed
I am out of my comfort zone

And You are here, God
You never left me
Oh forgive my hating You
I was blind but I see

You were there all the time
You gave me strength to survive
You kept my heart beating
You kept me alive.

I still feel the darkness
The times of feeling all alone
But there is a difference
It’s small and I moan

I cry out to You, Abba
I plead for Your peace
I need You Abba
I want my control to cease

You have a plan
You promise in Your Word
I know for now I remember
Those Words that I have heard

I have been self-consumed Lord
Where there was no room for hope
Forgive me for not seeing
You do have ways to help me cope.

I turn to you in surrender
With my hands opened wide
I release my pain that held me back
From now You walk by my side

Thank You, Jesus
For showing me this today
May I always remember
My feelings don’t have the final say

What???
Yes God, please stay!
I don’t want you
To ever go away!

as you can probably tell i like to take pictures of clouds...
here are some i took during a recent storm here in arizona
guess i always liked to imagine what the shapes of the clouds hold.
they can be fascinating and ever changing....kind like how God must see us!!

can i take off my mask in front of you?
can i be safe with you knowing
who i really am?
can you accept me, with all my flaws?
can i accept me, with all my flaws?
i am human.
i am not perfect.
i can make mistakes and still be ok.
it's taken time to get to this point.
i have been given freedom from a ton of shame.
it no longer binds me like it did.
there are times when it flared up,
i won't deny that.
i am able to use postive self talk
as best i can
to feed myself the truth
and to not feed the lies.
am i still broken?
yes i am.
it won't be till my Lord takes me home,
then i will have pure freedom
from the humaness of this life.
but until then,
i will grow through the pains of this life.
i will feel the hurt, the joy.
i will keep trusting Abba.

Leaning on His Will

when i first began counseling for my issues, i had a key chain that i carried with me all the time. it said, "the will of God will never lead me, where the grace of God cannot keep me". i held onto that key chain as a connection to God's promises to me. that His Grace is Sufficient. during the hard times when it felt like i was not going to make it through, that i was going under, He did indeed "part the waters".

The will of God will never take you,
Where the grace of God cannot keep you,
Where the arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the Spirit of God cannot work through you,
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you,
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you,
Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

i am His little lamb

in His arms, He holds me
in His care i am
in His grace, He molds me
i am His little lamb