I am broken

I am alone

I am hurting

I am in a no reception zone

I am angry

I am lost

I am bitter

My life has no cost

I am hopeless

I am bound

I am worthless

I am unsound

What???

No God, go away!

I don’t want you

Just go away!

I am exploding

I am dead

I am imploding

It’s all in my head

I am prideful

I am unteachable

I know what is best

I am unreachable

I am hateful

I am in pain

I am resentful

My life is in vain

What???

No God, go away!

I don’t want you

Just go away!

I am clinging to myself

I am desperate

I want to be alone

I want to be separate

I don’t want to hear

I don’t want to see

I want to believe

No one cares for me

What???

No God, go away!

I don’t want you

Just go away!

I am empty

I am null

All my senses

Feel dull

I don’t belong

I don’t even care

I don’t have friends

With whom I can share

They are all perfect

No problems, do they lie?

I hate the pity for me

I see within their eyes.

What???

No God, go away!

I don’t want you

Just go away!

Silence, the noise

I hate both of them

One is nothing

The other comdems

You are worthless

You belong dead

You are not worth life

The voices scream in my head

What???

No God, go away!

I don’t want you

Just go away!

What??

You care about me?

You want to take my budens?

You want me to be free?

At this so called God

I shake my fist

If He cared, really cared

I might have taken a risk

My heart betrays me

I can hear it seek Him

Give it up

Go out on the limb

Remember when

As a very young kid

You took a risk

And you opened the lid

Of the box

You were lost in

And He said He loved you

And you caught yourself smiling?

Jesus love me

This I know

For the Bible

Tells me so

What???

No God, go away!

I don’t want you

Just go away!

I can’t

I just can’t trust you

But God

But God

I am broken

But I am NOT alone

Something has changed

I am out of my comfort zone

And You are here, God

You never left me

Oh forgive my hating You

I was blind but I see

You were there all the time

You gave me strength to survive

You kept my heart beating

You kept me alive.

I still feel the darkness

The times of feeling all alone

But there is a difference

It’s small and I moan

I cry out to You, Abba

I plead for Your peace

I need You Abba

I want my control to cease

You have a plan

You promise in Your Word

I know for now I remember

Those Words that I have heard

I have been self-consumed Lord

Where there was no room for hope

Forgive me for not seeing

You do have ways to help me cope.

I turn to you in surrender

With my hands opened wide

I release my pain that help me back

From now on walk by my side

Thank You, Jesus

For showing me this today

May I always remember

My feelings don’t have the final say

What???

Yes God, please stay!

I don’t want you

To ever go away!

living life one day at a time
time goes by so fast,
trying to stay in the now
and not the future nor the past

my journey is a time to grow
living life each day
thanking God for leading me
each step of the way

some steps are fairly easy
the ground level and smooth
some are hard and difficult
a lot of emotions to soothe

i find i can still have anger
not many bursts  like before, 
i find a peace inside that holds me 
God's Spirit loves me more

He's walks beside me on the path
sometimes He even  smiles
He  gently swoops me up on his shoulders
and carries me the hard miles

i still grieve for losses
a childhood of chaos and pain 
two brothers and a nephew
some friends that i had gained

but each of them and my troubled days
have given me so many gifts
i am so very thankful
i can give other people lifts

to show them Abba's care and love
in good times and in bad
for He is with us always
in happiness or sad

God bless my friends now and forever
for they are precious in Your sight
may they really feel the freedom
and on spiritual wings take flight.

He walked, walks with me!!

oh my, You have been with me Abba You have held me, lifted me up You have provided family beyond my imagination You have allowed this cancer in me and i pray You will be glorified by my life i thank You for the strength and courage that has only come from You. i cannot walk this path alone i felt for a large part of my life that i would walk alone but now i see i have never been alone even in my chosen times of isolation You are with me. You have gifted me with brothers and sisters, people who don't follow the rules of dysfunctional families like i had they tell me talk ...all i need to for they will listen feel...let my healing from frozen emotions happen rock the boat!! ask questions..ask for help experience pain ...for it is the path to Blessing let joy in and out i am blessed, Papa i am grateful i am walking forward .. one more step off the log in the picture and into the adventure You have planned for me.

He is my Shepherd
He holds me close
when i am scared
when i am feeling lost.

He is my Shepherd
born in a stable
raised in humble circumstances
yet He is my King.




He may let me stray
when my humaness comes out
but He will come after me
and gently lead me back.

no God?

I am broken
I am alone
I am hurting
I am in a no reception zone

I am angry
I am lost
I am bitter
My life has no cost

I am hopeless
I am bound
I am worthless
I am unsound

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

I am exploding
I am dead
I am imploding
It’s all in my head

I am prideful
I am unteachable
I know what is best
I am unreachable

I am hateful
I am in pain
I am resentful
My life is in vain

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

I am clinging to myself
I am desperate
I want to be alone
I want to be separate

I don’t want to hear
I don’t want to see
I want to believe
No one cares for me

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

I am empty
I am null
All my senses
Feel dull

I don’t belong
I don’t even care
I don’t have friends
With whom I can share

They are all perfect
No problems, do they lie?
I hate the pity for me
I see within their eyes.

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

Silence, the noise
I hate both of them
One is nothing
The other condemns

You are worthless
You belong dead
You are not worth life
The voices scream in my head

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

What??
You care about me?
You want to take my burdens?
You want me to be free?

At this so called God
I shake my fist
If He cared, really cared
I might have taken a risk

My heart betrays me
I can hear it seek Him
Give it up
Go out on the limb

Remember when
As a very young kid
You took a risk
And you opened the lid

Of the box
You were lost in
And He said He loved you
And you caught yourself smiling?

Jesus love me
This I know
For the Bible
Tells me so

What???
No God, go away!
I don’t want you
Just go away!

I can’t
I just can’t trust you
But God?
But God??

deep breath
inside shaking
what is happening?
what change are You making?

with eyes wide open
i search and see
that You, My God
have always been with me


I am broken
But I am NOT alone
Something has changed
I am out of my comfort zone

And You are here, God
You never left me
Oh forgive my hating You
I was blind but I see

You were there all the time
You gave me strength to survive
You kept my heart beating
You kept me alive.

I still feel the darkness
The times of feeling all alone
But there is a difference
It’s small and I moan

I cry out to You, Abba
I plead for Your peace
I need You Abba
I want my control to cease

You have a plan
You promise in Your Word
I know for now I remember
Those Words that I have heard

I have been self-consumed Lord
Where there was no room for hope
Forgive me for not seeing
You do have ways to help me cope.

I turn to you in surrender
With my hands opened wide
I release my pain that held me back
From now You walk by my side

Thank You, Jesus
For showing me this today
May I always remember
My feelings don’t have the final say

What???
Yes God, please stay!
I don’t want you
To ever go away!

as you can probably tell i like to take pictures of clouds...
here are some i took during a recent storm here in arizona
guess i always liked to imagine what the shapes of the clouds hold.
they can be fascinating and ever changing....kind like how God must see us!!

can i take off my mask in front of you?
can i be safe with you knowing
who i really am?
can you accept me, with all my flaws?
can i accept me, with all my flaws?
i am human.
i am not perfect.
i can make mistakes and still be ok.
it's taken time to get to this point.
i have been given freedom from a ton of shame.
it no longer binds me like it did.
there are times when it flared up,
i won't deny that.
i am able to use postive self talk
as best i can
to feed myself the truth
and to not feed the lies.
am i still broken?
yes i am.
it won't be till my Lord takes me home,
then i will have pure freedom
from the humaness of this life.
but until then,
i will grow through the pains of this life.
i will feel the hurt, the joy.
i will keep trusting Abba.